when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
