he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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