I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
