You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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