I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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