Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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