I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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