FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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