My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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