i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
