I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
