Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
