I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
