I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
