Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
