I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
