omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my shit smells like andre
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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