I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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