i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
