I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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