Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Randomize
