ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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