How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
