i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
