Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
