my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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