Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
