We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
