When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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