$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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