I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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