and she was petting her beer can
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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