I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
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By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
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nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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