I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
