dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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