I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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