I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My bed smells like the plague
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
