there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
