You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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