Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
