i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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