You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He shit in the fireplace
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
