i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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