He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The air taste purple.
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