I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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