I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
