Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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