im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
