Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
