I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
