He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
