It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My bed smells like the plague
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
