he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
