what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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