I got chris browned last night
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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