check it out our google latitudes are spooning
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
